hotel booked.

flight booked.

1st Novemeber, here i come!!!

wooohooooooooooo!

last few weeks was a torture. i almost broke down emotionally.

took up my courage and did something that i couldn't believe that i actually done it. the stone was lifted from my heart. and i feel so freely now. i'm glad i did.

i'm back to myself once again.
the smile which i always wanted to see on myself and everyone who loves to see the smling me.


people, i'm perfectly fine now. trust me. everything's over. i really did it!
thanks for whoever who had been listening to all my craps the other time. its a joy occasion to celebrate! cheers!!!



1 more month to go for my 1st ever thailand trip. i never take a plane before. so its quite exciting for me. looking forward to 1st Nov! =)

this is the life that i want.

it is something i i wanted all along.

i live my life for myself and not for others.

dun try to interrupt my life with all your nonsense.

my patience has its limits.

dun try to provoke me. =)


2 more days to my examination. Damn it!

exam on monday. and i'm not concentrating!!!

ahhhhh!!!

but no worries, i will work hard. i dun wanna fail!

cheer for me ya? =)

will people really appreciate what i had done for them?
sometimes i just wonder how people think of me?

am i a burden, a nuisance to everyone around me?

i haven been sleeping well lately. less than 5 hours of sleep and i got to wake up for work. and now i had fallen sick. but i still got to hang on. sometimes i wonder, have i been doing whatever that i wanna do? am i seeking the right way? or heading the wrong direction?

i had been feeling afraid these days. i'm not sure why even. i hate it. this is definitely not me. i dunno whats bothering me. where do i really stand among my friends? am i really such a disappointment? the path in front of me had suddenly become misty. i cant see where i am going. i had been worrying too much already. but i just cant help it.

i broke down. i kept myself alone. i didnt talk as much.

i cant even find the reason why i become this way.

everything started to go chaos since i graduated from ITE. i never wanna step into working life. i never was serious in my work. yet now i have to. i know all of us have to. because we are all going to work for like 40 years before we retire?

i miss my dad. sometimes i think back, why wasnt me the one who suffer for him? why wasnt i the one in pain? the one lying in ICU? why wasnt i the one who got into the accident?
i just wish i could take all these pain away for him, for my mum. i never thought all these will ever happen to me so fast. i know 1 day my parents will be gone, but i never expected so fast. i'm strong on the outside, but in fact, i'm just a little ger who wish to have her parent's love. the death of my father really hit me hard. i just wish i was the one whose life was taken away by the angel. at least i wont see the ugly side of many people around. and i wouldnt have known many other people as well. sometimes i thought dying was an easy job, but i got no courage to do it. friends ask me to cheer up and not go into depression, dun worry, i wont. i just wish to go to a far away place and never come back. right now, there's my mum and my brother. they are my biggest responsibility. and yet, i put many other things above them. the hatred of myself now becomes even deeper. many had said before, "u got to learn to love urself before u love others". haha. now? i beginning to hate myself. i did things i thought i should have done at first and i will regret it immediately after that. why is it so?

i cant help it.

i need to find myself bacl. i need to be strong again.

i wanna smile again but its so hard.

i dunno why it hurts when i read that blog. my mind ask me to take it easy but my heart is doing the opposite way. i had fallen hard. really hard. its a pit i had dug for myself.
when i broke up with him, i told myself i never be like this again. but now 1 year later, i'm experiencing the same thing. i'm so dumb. why should i even care?
we could have just remain friends all these while. why am i making all these shit to let myself suffer?

i gonna give up.

once i give up, i wont be the same me anymore.



dun blame me for whatever things had happened. but this is the real me.




on a happier note. i bought a new phone! yeah!

i had an ugly past.

when i was in my teens, i was never a good girl. i dunno how to appreciate the good things in life. i demanded a lot. i tend to believe that if i wan a certain thing, i make sure i will get it without any much obstacle or delay. but all these were then.

i had changed since then. i had changed since a year back. because i lost an important person in my life. i treasure family ties even more.

i quarrelled with mum today. was very very upset. was at a loss and i didnt know who to call.
called a friend. i guess he was stunned too. because we were both silent at each end. to think of it again, i wouldnt have pick up the phone to call him. somehow i regretted a bit. i duno why.

i think he might have find me a nuisance instead now ba. =)

but everything with my mum now is fine already. i'm just so glad. =)

people changed.

i had changed.

maybe i just not a good friend after all.

=)

i feel like giving up already...

everything had came to an end...

i gonna be the happy me again..




=)

the pain is there again.

i know it's impossible.

i will let go.

"hello, can i sio kan with u?"

"fuck u!"

KNN. whoever the fuck spam my number around, i gonna make u regret like never before. CCB!




nevertheless, i am still happy. because i bought something today!





=)

i dun understand why some gers like to show off about their bfs when they are in public.

i am not jealous or what, but i just feel damn gross? (wrong word used) LOL

if u are a model couple with ur guy, i am fine with it. but hey, look at urself in the mirror, u are fat, and so am i! whats wrong with it? fat got bf very haolian meh? i oso got bf before de loh!

this is not the first time i experience such a thing liao. quite a number of times. damn it.

they just like to hug their bf, kiss them in front of me! hello??!!!!! i dun even feel an inch of jealousy inside me at all loh!! dunno what the hell these gers are thinking about. sigh.


i felt very tired today. i dunno why. mentally and physically tired. but i am fine. no worries. =)



its over.

had a wonder"full" dinner with mum n bro at gek poh earlier on.
imagine even my skinny brother ate 2 plates of rice which he dun normally do.

cool? haha

i did something nice today. i'm not going to say it. whoever knows it, just shhh hor? i will paiseh one. really! it brightens up my day whenever i make anyone happy.

because i'm a nice ger! LOL

喜欢和爱是两回事。

我喜欢一个人不代表我爱那个人。

每个人都有资格选择爱还是不爱。

但我知道如果选择了爱上那个人，那会是我自己选择的痛苦。

我决定放下过去从新开始，因为我想给自己多一次的机会。

a moment of foolishness will cause a lifetime regret.

my saturday was spent wisely. =) thank goodness.

after work came home to sleep because the previous night i didnt sleep well. about 3plus in the afternoon, emily called to tell me what time are we suppose to meet to go andrew's place because it was his birthday celebration yesterday. i hope he had fun and the presents we gave him wil suit his taste. LOL

but as usual la, i was late when i reached there. haha. tired leh... need beauty sleep. my ladies were sitting down, playing mahjong. sat beside huilin and disturh her loh before i started playing at a later time. =)

then emily and peiying left for another birthday celebration, and rene, lin and me left, leaving cindy behind because she was going to get car for the night. chatted with lin and rene while i was on the way to bus stop. been a while since i last walked distance i think. haha!

took bus to go vincent susu's blk there to wait for melvin and joanne to come fetch us. to where leh? MUSTAFA la! miss ah neis la.. LOL walked around, saw some watched i like but no $ to buy. help that bird see her vintage watch too. was cool! susu bought a watch for himself. nice watch ya? =)

then their friend came. joined us a while and we headed off to prawn fishing! haha. i suggested that because i had never fish prawn before. it was really a fun experience. i really enjoyed myself. and i also made a fool out of myself, making the guys laughing at me like mad. i'm a beginning leh, dun expect too much from me la. haha! i caught about 6 prawns if i'm not wrong and most of them are big prawns! so proud of my 1st attempt leh. haha.

then tired liao, went to sit down and chat with melvin and david (his name david right?). talked about our usual "entertainment". chatted serious stuff also. was fun la.

went home around 6am. damn. every weekend i'm like that sia. worse. was raining heavily this morning and i cant wait to take a hot bath and rush to my bed sia!
hmmm. i shall let the pics do the talking.













hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. its sunday again!

its freaking 4.16am now and i am still blogging at this hour when i have to work at 8am later. i am tired but i cant get to sleep.

maybe i had been too emo lately that i am freaking everyone out.

i dunno why do i wanna think so much nowadays. reason i have yet to find out too.

kept telling myself let it be, let it be, let it shit la! just cant get the damn thing out of my head. KNN.

quarrels, quarrels and more quarrels!!! i had enough but so? anyone cares? no one. shit you.






ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.



i'm holding on to something which i know i cant reach out for... i'm slowly trying to let it go. though its something i know i am enjoying it at this moment, but its time to let go i guess. =(

yes, i told u, i think a lot lately. =)





might be closing my blog. coz dun wanna write blog. its boring already. will give it a second thought though. =D unless i got faithful readers who always read my blog daily. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

oh ya, and dont give me bullshit ok? thanks



mustafa tml night. anyone?

i always thought explaining things is easy but i think i am wrong. i cant explain things. i can do but i cant explain. dun ask me why.

and i also realised that i talk without thinking. am i?

i more of a listener than a talker. right? probably so. i dunno.

went out with friends last night to holland village coffee club for a chat. it was fun. lots of laughter.

watching channel 8 now in the living room now...

being in love is still the most amazing thing on earth...




have i really put down? i hope i am. i am putting aside everything now. i dun wanna think so much anymore. i wanna really smile from the bottom of my heart.

i love my smile! i got nice smile! =)

colleagues with ah bird tml onwards. a mixture of feelings inside actually. wonder will i do well a not. LOL. probably i am thinking too much ba.

had dinner with my colleagues with a friend who came along as well. nice dinner, nice companion. hope we will still stay in touch after i go! =)

then went for a drink at taman jurong with this friend of mine. i'm really glad to have great friends around me. they are always there for me when i need a listening ear. thanks.

the chat was fruitful of cos. of cos there are things that went into my head. whether i can listen a not, its still up to me. though feeling better, but there's still something inside which i cant get it off. but well, nvm la.

yawns. its time for bed.



everyone seems to know who i like sia... shitty... but no worries, my skin is thick enough to handle =)

a brand new start...

purple is my colour.

purple is my style.

a brand new me! =D


anyway went for dinner with dawn, michelle and her man. fish and co at paragon. service good but food sucks big time. maybe because i didnt have the mood to eat after what had happened. 1st time didnt finish my food at fish & co. did i get it correct? hmmm.

went for a pool session at parklane. and i suck at pool. why? because dawn play cheat. LOL =X kidding.
short game but at least i didnt get to think too much. have i been thinking too much lately?
oh well...

i helped michelle solve her "sudoku" puzzle. i am good! haha. praise me faster! hahahahaha!


i'm quite worry about starting my new job with ah bird. why? i scare i will bring her trouble. i'm not as outgoing as her, i scare things might be ruined by me or whatsoever. blah blah.
confidence level = 0%
sigh.

everything is peaceful today. finally i can have a good night sleep later. let's pray hard...

committing suicide actually needs a lot of courage.

i dunno if i should admire those people for their courage and simply says they are stupid.



tml is my last day of work at my current company.
thursday a brand new start.
gonna start all over again.

but i got bird with me. =)



i realised whenever i am unhappy, i will do something to my hair... so this time i assume i am unhappy. =(

dread coming home today.

i dread going out too.

things just happened.

i know things happened for a reason.

i dunno whats the reason.

starting to hate myself once again.

this feeling sucks.

=(

2 nights out partying are horrible. liqour, mixers, dancing, craziness = terrible hangover.

shall let the pictures do the talking.

i'm satisfied with what i have now. i am happy. i wanna take a step at a time now.

i'm not the old fenz anymore.

i got my friends' blessing. thanks.

i was at work today, clearing my work in hands as my last day will be next week on the 12th. as i was doing my work, many thoughts came across my mind. got the feel to blog but my workplace has no internet for me, so this entry is suppose to be blog-ed from office.

so i was saying many thoughts, ya correct.

many questions appear in my mind. why do we have to part with people we love? god creates us human beings and should allow us to live happily and enjoy life to the fullest yet god wan us to cross many bundles of obstacles in our lives. in fact some are even more painful than any others.

pardon me for being so emotional lately. it had been a while i felt this way. i haven been talking much these few days. be it at work, at home or even outside with friends. but i will be fine after i type out all these nonsensical stuff. =)

continue to read if u are still interested, if not, u can just click on the "X" on the top right hand corner.

i fear losing my family. my mother, my brother. i fear of losing my friends too. i fear of losing everything i had now. what if one day i lost every single things which belongs to me? i'm not prepared to face all these yet. never will i be prepared i guess.

why do i feel this way? because i had been missing my late father recently. it had been a year plus plus plus since he was gone, but to me, it seems like everything just happened yesterday. within this 1 year, many things had happened to me, happy or sad.

i know who are my true friends.
i made many new friends.
i am working hard.
i had grown up.
i had my room renovated.
i had my happiest birthday party.
i changed my hp many times.
i pay for my own bills.
i gave my mum monthly household allowance.
i have gotten more freedom.
i take care of my mum and brother.
i learnt to be more understanding.
i learnt to be straightforward.
i learnt to look on the bright side of life.
i learnt to love.
i learnt to hate.
i learnt to cherish.
i learnt not to cry.
i learnt to be harsh.
i learnt to be myself.

could all these above a blessing in disguise since my father passed away?

i guess so.

i would be still aimless after i graduate from ite. i wouldnt know what i want. i could still be lazing around at home, asking for money instead. i wouldnt have any dreams or goals for myself to achieve. my thinking will still be very childish, because i might just be a spoilt brat at home. i wouldnt have known many new people. and i will still be with him.

then i will be just a rotten apple.
or a lost soul roaming aimlessly around the world.

i dunno if i should be glad or be sad. should i thanks my dad? i always know my dad wants the best from me. but i had always failed to do.
i look strong on the outside, but i am actually vulnerable inside.
i'm a normal lady after all.


i lost the most important person in my life who is my father. the one i actually loved so much yet i never had the chance to show it. now that i recalled, i realised it was all too late.
but, this will not get me down. i had my father's blessings. i'm not going to hold back myself anymore. if i love anyone, i will show it. i will prove them with my actions and to touch them sincerely with my heart. i dun wan to regret in the future. even if it doesnt work, at least i tried.

so people out there, i had thought about it. i will work hard towards what i want.

and to su su, i hope you will not be scare off by me. because it had been a while i feel this way, though not easy, but i wanna try. =)
i hope you wont avoid me then. =)

and to my friends, lets all work hard together!


**meaningful post eh? LOL i becoming more and more "got ink water" already sia!

when did i ever force you to go club?

when did u ever say u dun club?

since when u became so innocent?

why are so different when u are with guys and gers? what is your problem?

seriously, dun get on my nerves.

my patience had reached its limits already.

if u gonna be like another Amy, then go ahead. but at least Amy we know, she is like this.

but you?








**i wanna change my blogskin. but i cant find any skins that attracts me. any kind souls out there who is willing to design for me? *wink*

bowling was fun! more please!

once i met this man
then i fell in love with him.
he was 11 years older than i am.
17th feb 2004 was the day we got together.
we held hands for the first time at the esplanade side.
he was like the world to me.
he taught me many things.
about life, about him, about me.
he also taught me how to love.
in fact, he was the first man in my life that i truly love.
soon, quarrels and fights started to occur.
we quarrel almost everyday.
vulgarities all over the place.
we beat each other.
we cried.
we hugged.
we kissed.
all these lasted for 2 and a half years,
till he met another ger who is 2 years younger than i am.
he chose her,
i left him.
our story ends here.

i'm fine. no worries. just many thoughts came across my mind while i was on my way home earlier. whatever i am doing now, izzit right or wrong? have i did the right thing?

oh well.




the whole freaking world knows what i did! damn it! so paiseh loh! haha!

died.

i did the most foolish thing ever in my whole entire life. i wish i hasnt say anything in the first place. really.

LOL

i did something courageous today! LOL or is it brave i should say? i must be crazy to say all those things. i still can't believe it! haha!

everything was peaceful today until you sms me to quarrel with me. enough is enough.
i am trying to let everything go now. stop contacting me please.
it took me a while to settle down.
it took me a while to heal my broken heart.
now that my heart is heal, i wan you out of my life.
once and for all, i dun wanna say nasty things about you, cuz i still treat u as a friend.


i am still a happy ger! no worries! LOL

sometimes i just wonder why some gers can just hang themselves so high up in front of guys? is this some kind of trend or wat?

i went comex yesterday. crowd was very bad. so many people. i realised everyone is so kiasu on sales especially last day of the sales. again, i spent some money. bought a voice recorder for my lecture class and 2 notebook cooler fans for my bro and my laptop.

on leave today because my throat feels dry and also i need to do some touch up on my project. luckily its done now. and i can sleep for a while later before my lesson starts.

went over to grandma's place in the morning. everytime i dread myself going there. i dun like to see her but not because i hate her, i just hate the sight of my uncle. my grandma and grandpa both in their 70s and yet they have to suffer with my uncle. not that my mum dun wanna help them. but because if help them once, my uncle will know we forever will help them. we did have the thought of bringing both the elders over to stay for good but my mum dun wan my uncle to follow. he is the worst man i had even seen. yet i can do nothing. mum always says i'm still young, i cant do anything. but i'm already 21 and i had been through a lot. and i had definitely grown up. i dun understand why at times, my mum just wont listen to what i said. hasnt me been a filial daughter all these while? i wonder how and i wonder why.

hasnt i been good enough?

why can't human beings stay truthful to their loved ones? why are there broken hearts everywhere? cant we be friends even we are no longer together? just because i was merely just typing in my personal message in MSN, saying i am clearing non-chatters in my MSN list, u asked me to clear u? because ur gf said she is jealous? what has it got to do with her? u went to her because i cant spend time with you, so i let you go. i tried my best to help you regardless of what had happened. but what did i get in return? NOTHING. what u used to say u love me or sort of bullshit, are all what? PLAIN lies? i nv know a almost-3-years-relationship feelings can be faded so fast in a single night. i was heartbroken then. finally when i learnt that you are gone in my life, i realised i had been foolish all these while. and because of you, i'm afraid to fall in love. till now, maybe i have feelings for someone else, i just cant allow myself to get into the pit again and get myself hurt again. i only want to keep u in my memories but u aint allowing me to do so. what do u really want from me?



had been coming home late these few days and now i am like a walking zombie. haha. but i had fun. i'm enjoying this feeling!

in case my blog is boring, i had some pictures i took on friday and saturday nights.



bucket of beer
huge foot, small foot. LOL
nice hair! not mine la.
i like this pic sia. so nice! I put it as my HP wallpaper, susu dun mind hor?

flowers
see! got priest wear my necklaces (gift from aileen)
pretty ladies!!!

trying hard to be perfect but the more i tried, the more imperfect i felt i am.

it is 6.40am in the morning. and i just showered. went for a ktv session and pool session with vincent and melvin. all activities were fun but not the walking part when we finished our pool session. marina south road was close for dunno what. and we had to walk all the way out to main road to catch a cab but we were lucky enough to hail a cab just before we walk any further to AYE.
haha

friday night was out with sheri, dawn, mic, her bf and vincent to dawn's workplace at Chin Swee Road. 3 persons to a tower of beer was horrible. not enough? nvm, order 1 more tower loh. 2 tower beer + 2 gers + 1 guy = sex fun party and some of us was high and drunk after that. i never like beer. the taste sucks. just like green tea. but if the companion is good, i'm fine with anything. i shall not mention much about the details because its not very good la. LOL i am sleepy now already, and starting to talk crap liao. pardon me please if i said any nonsensical stuff here. haha.

i got a friend who told me to let go of my past and start afresh with someone new. i am now trying but without anyone, only myself. my friend told me she is happy to see me smiling always. thanks. i will work hard. =)



hair still haven dry. =( cant sleep yet!!!! shitty!!!!

long time no mahjong already, hands itchy. sigh